My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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