alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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