Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
