1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
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