I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
