mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
