It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
