I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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