Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
