So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
