What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
