hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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