I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
