there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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