My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
