Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This house was built for laser tag.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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