Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
