woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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