my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
