Yo dont text me then not text me
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
