Where is the hickey?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize