it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
