It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dicks are not precious.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize