So drunk its hurt
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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