I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
