Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
