There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
