the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
