Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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