I wannas sexs uuuuu
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize