turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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