I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
