Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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