You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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