the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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