someone threw a dead crab at me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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