How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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