Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
