my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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