I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
