from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
