ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize