Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
