I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
