I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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