I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Never underestimate the power of titties
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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