I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
