i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
