I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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