woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
