Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
