Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
