And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
