Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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