I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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