you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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