I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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