Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
