I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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