just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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