he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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