I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
