i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
