First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
